Disclaimer: the MHS Fresh Print its agents, associates and other parties are not liable for losses financially or otherwise as a result of following any of the following satirical advice. Further if by some change you do become rich the Fresh Print shall be given 40% of profit.
Do you want to get rich quick? If so, the following steps will help you go from living in a ditch to being rich.
Save Your Assets
The first thing to do is give a helping hand to those poor Nigerian Princes who need you to help them unlock their assets. Now the heartless financial fraud departments will tell you these are a scam but the fact of the matter is that you have the ability to help someone out by sending $10,000 in amazon gift cards so that the prince can get his money back. On the same note if the IRS says you owe back taxes and the only way to not go to jail is to pay them 800 bitcoin you better do as they say or you will go away for 10-15 years.
Buy High Sell Low
The second thing to do is to invest in a company currently in the process of liquidation. It is always worth having a passive investment and I am sure these companies will have a turn around. On that note buy high sell low.
Frugal Shmugal
The third sure fine scam, I mean method to get rich is to throw away all your spare change. Some may say to invest that extra quarter I say throw it away. Forget being frugal and saving up. Sure you only make 30k a year, but you will still be able to afford that 85k car and that 750k house they will pay for themselves.
The Hungry Games
Think back to the last time you went to a busy shopping center. I bet you saw a few homeless people, I want you to find a trash can and really dirty yourself up then go find a spot and use a patterned phrase “hey pal you got a quarter?” or alternatively you can go with the classic “spare some change?” Once you make $100 I want you to find 10 homeless folks and offer them $10 each and a meal to participate in a brief survey at an alternate location. You pack them in your trunk and drive to the woods. Bring a taser,a bulletproof vest,a helmet, some basic weapons; think kitchen utensils etc.., put the helmet and vest on, holster the taser and throw everything else into a pile. Advertise your event as a special WWE showdown online. Sell 10,000 tickets for $5 a piece. Have the contestants fight to the death, Hunger Games Style and leave the winner in the forest with their $10 cash.
Swimming in Money
Now I know what you are thinking, all of these require work, and I want to relax while I make my millions. In that case it is time for a swim. Get your snazziest swim trunks on and go for a dip in your Local fountain. Pick up all the coins that gullible people like you have thrown in before.
"Road Work"
The final step to getting Rich is the rare earth elements in the road.? Well because of how car filters work small amounts of platinum are deposited in the road every time you drive. So how do you harvest it. Well, for starters you need to go dig up part of the road, The shoulder will work better otherwise people start yelling at you to get out of the road. Then you need a very hot kiln or something that heats up to about 3,100 Fahrenheit or 1977.5 kelvin. From there, cool it and sell it for a very small but noticeable profit.
Congratulations, if you did this right and followed the directions we gave you, you should be rolling in the dough and just for you as an extra special treat I am going to offer you a bonus tip: write a “how to get rich quick” book and sell it to suckers online and let them read all about it. Also invest in my new book, In a Ditch to being Rich, 30 steps to become a Millionaire.
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